Critical Opinion

What the Book Reviewers Say
The book reviewers don't say anything--not about my books at least, because they haven't been published yet. But they sure say a lot about other books. If you've ever looked at the back covers of book jackets, or at advertisements for new books, you've probably noticed that they sometimes include excerpts from favorable book reviews. Maybe some reviewers are prone to exaggeration, because a lot of the terms they use seem a bit too flattering. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself, because I can't imagine anyone ever heaping that kind of praise on any of the books I've written.

For example, my books will not touch your heart. They are not exquisite, brilliant, outstanding, thoughtful, or penetrating. They are not life-affirming, triumphant, provocative, topical, thrilling, suspenseful, or heart-warming. They will not keep you on the edge of your seat or send chills up your spine. They will not knock your socks off, and they will not hit you where you live. They do not ennoble the human spirit, nor do they speak to the child within us all.

My books do not contain any keen observations on the human condition or wry commentary on today's culture. My books are not dazzling or captivating or astonishing or magnificent or breath-taking. I'm very proud of everything I've ever written, but as far as I'm concerned, no book of mine is a remarkable achievement, a stunning success, or a literary tour de force.

And frankly, I'd be suprised if anyone thought otherwise. I'm not trying to write a literary masterpiece. I don't expect doctoral candidates in the future to write their dissertations on the works of Robert Barry Kaplan. I'm not trying to educate you, or broaden your horizons, or change the way you think. I'm just trying to keep you entertained.

I don't have lofty ideals about literature and how it can enrich mankind. There are probaby a few great books that are capable of something like that, but most books just aren't that powerful, no matter how good they are.

What the Publishers and Literary Agents Say
Even though no book reviewer has ever seen any of my books, plenty of literary agents have. Here are some of the complimentary terms they've used in their rejection letters, alphabetized for your convenience:
  • "Clever"
  • "Deadpan"
  • "Distinctive"
  • "Engaging"
  • "Enjoyable"
  • "Glib"
  • "Imaginative"
  • "Ingenious"
  • "Intellectual" (This one shouldn't really be on the list, since it was meant as a criticism.)
  • "Intelligent"
  • "Intriguing"
  • "Inventive"
  • "Original"
  • "Quirky"
  • "Straight-faced"
  • "Tremendously imaginative"
  • "Unique"
  • "Unusual"
  • "Very funny"
  • "Well-written"
  • "Weird"
  • "Wry"
    •

    Of course, sometimes a simple word or phrase isn't enough to adequately express a thought. Sometimes an entire sentence is needed. Here are a few I culled from my mountain of rejection letters. (Most of these were written by publishers to my agent at the time, which is why I'm always referred to in the third person.)

    "As you may suspect, reading submission after submission can get pretty boring at times. That's why I'm grateful for Kaplan's stories--they break up the monotony."

    "He writes wonderfully, balancing his energy and invention with admirable dispassion and control."

    "Kaplan is an unusual writer with a strong, unique voice."

    "I admire his no-frills lack of style."

    "The stories were funny and clever and left me in a very curious state."

    "I found it to be extremely humorous and so strange I couldn't put it down."

    It's gratifying to get such positive and enthusiastic rejection letters, of course, but it makes me wonder how much they have to like a book before they decide to publish it.


















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